I know I haven't posted in A LONG TIME. But it being 3:40 in the morning and I've spent most of the night and now most of the morning finishing this stupid quiz for my Ethics class, I would like to end on one note: "I hate you Stephen Wagner! You are one of the most sydistic <--(word intentionally misspelled) SONS OF BITCHES TO EVER WALK THIS PLANET!

The man created this english grammar test to enhance our knowledge the language. And if we didn't pass this test then we wouldn't be able to turn in any essays. So that puts you in a bind as it is, but then the crazy ass motherfucker decicdes, I'm going to make a bunch of a questions that look just a like except for one little itty bitty punctuation mark and so that it will throw off the whole answer! HA HA HA!

I mean seriously, HOW MANY TIMES CAN I GO OVER THE SENTENCE "People in glass houses should not throw stones." OR "People, in glass houses, should not throw stones." I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION AND JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE SHIT JUST SO OUTRAGEOUSLY OUT OF THE WHOLE FUCKING SOLAR SYSTEM HARD I'M GOING TO GET AN A IN YOU STUPID SELF RIGHTEOUS EGO-TISTICAL BULLSHIT OF A CLASS.

but as of right now, I'll precede to my bed were hopefully the good lord will bless me with dreams in which I can witness and hopefully help in the harm of Prof. Stephen Wagner, because I would never in actually wish harm on him.... even if he is a son of a bitch....

Open Letter to God:

Dear God,

My ass hurts. If you would please be so kind to stop kicking it. Thank you.

Love,
Your Son Pantaleon

Change

Two close friends of mine have made the comment to me that I've changed in a negative way over the past couple of years. My close friend Heather thinks I've changed, and became an arrogant ass. Which was true for the time. My friend Lisa, says I don't depend on God and speak and praise his name as much I as I use to. Which is currently true. This has left many questions in my mind. Do I try to revert back? What was so good about the person I supposedly use to be? Can I revert back? I'm still pondering these questions. Truthfully, I don't know what to think. But I can see a positive correlation between the 2. I mean, God wants us to be good people and serve him, but recently, especially since college, I think the person getting stuff done positively for me has been myself. So I guess, I haven't been humble and given God his due for his good works. He has done good, just enjoys watching his subjects get tested, I mean just look at the man Job. He was tested by God to prove a point to the devil that he has people that will worship him and praise him no matter how bad things get. You know I don't envy Job. Also, you have to understand that I've been a zoology major, and we study how the environment works. The biggest issue in the animal world is adaptation and evolution. "Adapt or Die" as a sign in my biology teacher's class so mildly put it the first day of my High School Career. So isn't all change, that allows you to wake up and face everyday good? I mean to tell you the truth, I don't know how I'm making it anymore. Just feel lost. I wake up and go to class, hang out with Chris (my room mate) and worry about if my family is making it alright. If my mom has someone to talk to. If my dad has someone to help him with the work around the house. If my brother has someone to give a ride and to compensate for the overwhelming force that is my father. I do know one thing, getting drunk and raising hell with the RUF/NEKS isn't helping any. I mean I can't blame the organization I love dearly. I must take my part of what ever negative traits I have picked up. Just wish I knew what to do. I have my friends currently that say I worry too much about others. I could take their advice and just become focused on myself. But even as I write that, it doesn't sound right. I mean I grew up in a Hispanic family. God, Family, Friends, everyone else and then yourself. Those are the prioities that were instilled in me since birth. I also can't ignore the words of Lisa and Heather. Combined those 2 contain so much of my love, the only thing I can think of that I love more then those 2 would be God and then Selena, even if Selena happens to be a lot of trouble. I don't know, I just wish I had an easy fix it for this. All I think I can do is focus on my work, fill the minimal amount of duties that I have to the RUF/NEKS and just get my head together. Wish me luck and pray for me. I will say that as long as I have my choice to stay celibate until marriage, that whatever person that Heather and Lisa think I was, is still there. That proves that I've stuck and will stick to my morals that have always made me. Just need to refocus on my morals and define and support them.

Back

Well, I'm back for a little bit. I got my laptop and preparing for college is very draining. It seems like there is always something more for me to do, and it's not helping me be anymore prepared. It's kind of scary. This is where it begins. Either you fly or die. I think that's the advantage I have. I don't like to fail. If it looks like I'm getting ready to fail, I go to extreme lengths to get away from that which seems is trying to bring me down. But while getting ready for anything important, you also have to be able to have fun. So I've been doing my best to have my share of fun. Recently I went to my friend Heather's house for a get together. It was to celebrate her coming birthday and to see each other one last time before we all go our seperate ways.

My friendship with Heather is a strange one for me. I've always kept people at a relatively far distance. Enough to kind of get to know me on a superficial level. Heather is the only person I've met that has stormed past whatever superficial barriers I put in front of her. She does a lot of the same things with the people around her, so a quick and deep friendship developed with ease. Well Heather has a boyfriend. She never really had a relationship before him. She claims to one, but from what I've pieced together, that one was the guy she is currently dating, but for a short time. But as the case with most teenage couples, that sexual tension was there, and I've had the feeling that there was going to be something going on there pretty quickly. I'm not saying I know what she has done, nor is it my place to judge. Thank God! Anyways, she was talking to her girlfriends about whatever activity it was that she had engaged in for a good long time. Later when the girls came up to join Michael and me (the only guys there), they wanted to continue this discussion, but Heather wasn't comfortable with me in the room. So I left the room to go play solitaire. It's no skin off my back. Anyways, Heather follows me to the other room. We go into this discussion about our activites. Not deep detail, granted there aren't many true stories nor many details about I could go into about what I've done. Anyways, that question came to me. "Have you ever had sex?" Nope, if it ends in the word sex, I haven't done it.

Why is this a shock to some? My lord says that premarital sex is wrong. I want to follow my Lord's path. If he can live his whole life without the touch of a girl, then I think I can wait for the girl that is right for me. The one that I don't mind going out and giving my life savings and a loan just to buy her the ring she deserves. The one I've waited, and will wait, my whole life for. I have faith that this plan of his will take me down the right path. It's just a little scary, especially when control of our lives seems to be in everyone else's control but our own. Anways, sorry about the journal/editorial entry. I promise that I'll try to give other my other writings a less preacher tone. Take care and god bless to whoever reads this.

Well, one more off my chest

"And Jesus Wept"
Book of John, Chapter 11

I've known about this verse in the bible my whole life. My father mentioned it to me when I was a mocoso (spanish for little kid). He told me that it was the shortest verse in the bible, and that we has Christians like we do with all religion, interpret it many ways. My dad's interpretation of it was simple. The fact that it was short means that those 3 words together were meant to stand out the most. The fact that Jesus wept was just an amazing thing.

Recently this verse in the bible was brought forth to my attention again thanks to the movie "Barbershop 2." He was first mentioned when the owner of the Barbershop, Calvin, was starting to eat a biscuit and his old nanny came in and said, "Don't forget to say grace." He responds "And Jesus Wept" and she ask "Why did he weep?" and Calvin had no response to this. Later you learn that Jesus was moved to tears because of witnessing the sorrow that Mary and Martha had upon the death of Lazarus.

This intrigued me to open my bible and look for the verse and read it in context of the whole chapter, and just like it was stated in the movie, Jesus wept because of the sorrow he felt for Martha and Mary. This brought back my memory of why I want to be a doctor.

For my whole life, I wanted to be successful, I.E. I wanted to have lots of money for little work. I use to see doctors all the time. I use to go to their nice houses for Christmas parties with my parents. I saw how they had more then they could ever want, so I decided I wanted to be an anesthiologist, easy work, measure out the drug and sit back and watch. But that plan didn't stick. There was one person who had so much of an impact in my life that I was moved to tears and I'm not completely sure as to why. I don't know his name, I'm sure I could find out his name, but I don't want to know, I'll learn it when it is right, for now he is just "THE GUY."

My brother was at the University of North Texas and we (my family and I) went to visit him over a weekend. We went to "church" with him, which was basically a meeting in a little extra room in one of the dorms, nothing special. But at the end of the mass, there was time for the announcements like always, but at the college they let the students come up and say what there is. Well enter THE GUY, he was a guy who was paralyzed drastically. Only means of moving around was his chair/scooter and he had a dog that helped with everything he needed, like many people who are handicapped have dogs that help with daily task. I heard my parents ask about him, apparently he was extremely smart, I think he had something close to 4 doctorate degrees, I'm not completely sure on this fact. But anyways he started talking about this fundraiser that was going to happen at the college to help handicapped people and how he hoped some of the people would volunteer to help. But something in his voice caught me off guard, I could hear the pain that he had, not for him self at living this life that people would consider disadvantaged, but for the people that believed this lie themselves. I heard pain. I heard courage. I heard defiance at not letting this world bring him down. And I heard pleas for help. For some unknown reason to me. I started to cry. Not just a tear, but uncontrollable crying. Now I want you to know that I was in middle school. When you are in middle school, all you want to do is keep this mask of being tough up, especially me, but here I was, crying. I couldn't help it. I then realized, you DON'T become a doctor for yourself, or because of family legacy. You need to become a doctor to help other people. That's where I changed my choice at what kind of doctor I wanted to be. I'm not sure what I want to do now, but I know I'm going to make a difference. It's not about me, or money. It's about spreading the message I heard in THE GUY's voice that day. Since then, I've had the gift of hearing emotion and more in people's voice then they know. I can hear what makes people sad, or what makes them happy. It's sort of a curse, because I sometimes don't know what to say at the moment I hear it, but I do have faith that I have that gift for a reason. I guess there are some people that THE GUY's voice was God talking to me. I don't know about that. I know that if you are willing to listen to those around you, I mean truly listen, you never know what you might hear. Now, I don't want anyone to think, I'm pulling a John Lennon here and comparing myself to Jesus, but like I said in earlier post. Jesus was sent here to lay a path for us to follow, whether you know it or not, you are following it yourself. You know I never told you what Jesus did because of the sorrow that Jesus felt on behalf of Martha and Mary. He raised Lazarus. He raised a man from the dead. I think I can do something to make the world a better place. Now I pose a question to you: What makes you weep? What are you going to do about it?

P.S. - this blog is supposed to be just social commentary. Not strictly religious thoughts. But social commentary is hard. You know those writers in the media actually do have a job.

P.S.S. - This is my last entry until I get my laptop.

Waiting

I think I'm going to wait to write further on my blog until I get my laptop. So my next entry will be made probably somewhere next week. Until then.

Most Important

You know, I can't believe I forgot the most important entry of a blog. The explaination of the whole thing and reasons for starting.

The Name is Pantaleon's Blotting Paper. Pantaleon is a saint who also was a doctor to a Pagan king. As a good christian he would also help the poor and not charge them. Pantaleon started to cause jealousy among the other doctors and they challenged him to see who could heal better. They agreed on a patient and Pantaleon let the other doctors go first and they could not heal the man. Pantaleon just went to the man and whispered the name "Jesus," in his ear and he was cured. But the pagan king started to go after all christians and so he killed Pantaleon.

Blotting Paper like the description at the top of the page "explains" is a sort of paper that is used to soak up excess ink on a page. Sort of my feelings on the whole blog situation. All blogs to me just seem to be soaking up ink, or rather in this case data, storage and peoples time. So this is my way of saying this is my wasting of everyone elses time, like they are wasting mine with their opinion. Not like I listen to them or you listen to me, so it's a fair trade.

One thing about me is that my whole life, or rather the last few years, I've felt like a moderator in my family. Don't like conflict, but if you do get me involved in a conflict, run. It's not pretty. But since my dealings as a moderator I don't push things in peoples faces, I just hope that they sort of have a come to jesus on their own. Also, the good thing about being a moderator is I deal in KNOWN fact. I don't try to put anything out there that might have the slightest chance of being false no matter how interesting or plausible the fact may be. Now I'm using this to refer to my last post titled "My Friend". Like I know it is stated somewhere, I want to be pre-med, so I'm fairly well versed in the ways of the human body and how it develops and works. I've been in a college psychology class, and I know that there is significant scientific research going into the study of the homosexual mind. I know that many of the cases have female traits, but that doesn't mean that all people that consider themselves homosexuals have female characteristics in their mind, nor does that mean that all people with female characteristics are homosexual. All I was saying was that my friend decided to embrace the homosexual lifestyle. I do not know for a fact whether or not he choose to be gay or whether God made him like that. Like I stated in that post, only one being in this whole universe has the answers and the right to judge my friend. So That's all for today.